Welles Claytor Peterson. Our perfect, perfect angel.

September 10th. I woke up that morning and decided I was going to have my baby in the next twenty-four hours. I was full term and he was fully developed. I had been contracting constantly for nearly two weeks. Dilated to a 3 and 80% effaced. The doctor said he could come any time now and be perfectly healthy. So why wait any longer? With Scarlett, I did the same thing. Woke up and decided to put myself into labor. That is exactly what I would do this time.

That morning I went on a nice long walk with my dear friend Kristy. We made it all the way around the lake and I maybe had one contraction... As soon as we said our goodbyes, I walked in the house frustrated to not be in more pain! Soon after that, my wish was granted and I was having some good, hard contractions. Scott came home that evening and I took off for another walk with another dear friend, Marisa. An even longer walk. Came home and had more good, hard contractions. Scott scolded me for trying to put myself into labor. I assured him this baby was more than ready. Our little guy had been telling me he was ready for weeks now through those painful contractions.

By ten o'clock PM we were rushing to the hospital because I had started bleeding. When I got there, they said I was in early labor and sent me home. Annoyed that my plan of having him that day didn't work, I tried to get some sleep knowing full well this baby was coming very soon. Thankfully, my sisters Christiana and Summer had both come over that night in case we had to rush back to the hospital. Early on the morning of the 11th, I went down to sit on my exercise ball in hopes to speed up the contractions. Summer was in the living room and chatted with me as I sat bouncing. All of the sudden I literally felt a big pop inside of me. I rushed over to the tile in perfect time for the water to gush out. Go time! We woke Scott up with our excited screams! Both he and Christiana came running in. Today was going to be a wonderful day.

By the time I got to the hospital the contractions were unbearable. The pain was too much. I told them to give me the best drugs they had and quick! Scott reminded me that maybe my desire to hypnobirth just wasn't in the cards. I agreed and asked him to never let me talk about that again. Holy cow, I respect all the women out there who can do that! Not my thing...

They gave me the regular epidural along with a spinal block. I couldn't feel a thing. I wished they had just given me the normal epidural and cursed myself for asking for the strongest medicine. I was so numb and felt loopy. This was not like Scarlett's birth. With her I was still totally with it. That epidural was the perfect amount. This was way too much. After an allergic reaction to the meds, they gave me something to cancel the spinal block out and then upped my epidural. Still numb as can be. "You're at a ten. Lets push!". How? I couldn't feel a thing.

I pushed and pushed best I could. This led to me pushing so hard I was throwing up at the same time. Glamorous... This was not the cake walk labor I remembered with Scarlett. I felt like crap. And I certainly looked it.

After about 25 minutes of pushing I heard that perfect little cry. He was here. My boy. The one I had dreamt about. The boy that I had connected so deeply with over these past nine months. My perfect and healthy little blond hair-blue eyed boy. He was going to look just like a young Scott, I just knew it. I had been so attached to this idea of this little mini Scott for months now.

They set him on my chest. I quickly latched him on for his first feeding. He did great. He was a super first time eater, just like his big sis. They insisted on taking him from me to suction him out. Scott and I kissed him and they whisked him to the other side of the room for clean up.

Scott looked over and saw the nurses whispering. He knew something was wrong. He could sense their concern from the other side of the room. One of the nurses approached us as I lay there trying to recover. Still loopy and numb.

"Did you do the non-invasive downs syndrome blood work?".

We had. It was just a vile of blood they took that also tests for spina bifida. It was covered by insurance, my doctor acted like it was normal protocol, so I did.

"Yes. And we cleared the test just fine. Why??"

She went on to tell us that our beautiful baby looked and had physical characteristics of being a "downs" baby. He had the simian crease in his left hand, lower set ears, a wide bridge in his nose, almond shaped eyes and some extra fat connecting his back to his neck.

Slightly insulted and trying to wrap my head around the possibility, I agreed to let them take him to a specialist for further observation. Scott went with them as they wheeled our little guy out. I sat there alone and in shock. I cried. There was no way. We are so young. This can't be possible. Then I assured myself that nurse was an idiot. They'll come back and tell me it was a mistake and apologize for being so tacky by telling me my son looked "downs".

I waited for what seemed like hours, then asked the nurses to wheel me down to see my son. As I was wheeled down to the nursery, Scott was walking back towards us. His eyes were red, but he looked fine. Happy even. I felt relief. Then he opened his mouth.. "Honey, it looks like our guy has Down's syndrome. And that's okay". He tried to smile as we both started crying. We went to my post delivery room. We held each other and just cried and cried. How could this happen? Why did that test come back negative? What happened to my mini Scott? If I'm being truly honest, in that moment I felt like we had lost our baby. Yet at the same time, all I could think about that other baby in the nursery next to us. Where is he? Why haven't they brought him back to be with us? I still had such genuine and pure love for this new baby, but he was not the baby I thought I was having. That baby was gone. And my heart was broken. It sounds awful. I cry as I write these words because of the guilt I still feel thinking back on that first day. I don't want anyone to think for one second that I didn't absolutely love Welles from that very first day, because I did. The shock was just so much to take in. I had never felt so confused and blindsided. I adored him and could feel his amazing, strong and beyond sweet spirit. But I had to morn the loss of the son I thought I was having. Simple as that. I needed to completely re-route my thoughts and expectations of my new son's entire future and also our whole families future. That first day was hard and I need to be honest about that. If anyone else goes through a situation similar to ours, I want them to know it's okay to cry and feel deeply. Many people had to tell me that I was allowed to cry and not to feel bad about it. It didn't mean that I didn't love my son. I did, with every fiber of my being.

The specialist told Scott she thought there was a 95% chance he had "Trisomy 21" (medical term for Down's Syndrome). They took his blood and sent it off for genetic chromosome testing. They told us we would not have a definite answer for at least 5 days. 

Soon after his birth he was taken to the NICU for help breathing and jaundice. We went back and watched them do a heart echo. This is like an ultrasound on your heart. They said his heart looked "great" so enthusiastically! I assumed that was normal. At the time I was unaware that between 40-60% of Trisomy 21 babies have heart defects. This really was an incredible relief and blessing.

My sweet sisters brought Scarlett to meet her baby brother just before he went into the NICU. She could see our puffy red faces and just seemed confused and nervous to be there. She didn't want to stay long. My sisters all took turns holding their newest nephew. Soon after they left, my parents called. I didn't feel ready to talk to anyone, but how could I delay talking to them? As soon as I answered I burst back into tears. It was my mom.

"Your dad and I love you so much. Daddy has been weeping and saying how badly he just wants to hold you right now. I know we aren't supposed to be there for another two weeks, but should we just book a ticket to get there tonight?"

 I was so relieved. Nothing sounded more comforting than being in my parents arms in that moment. They jumped on the next plane out to SLC.

My wonderful in-laws came up quickly to welcome the newest Peterson. Everyone was so emotional and loving. He was instantly incredibly popular. My parents got in late that night and came straight to the hospital. They hugged me and cried tears of joy. No one seemed sad. They seemed shocked, but not sad. This kid was not going to have any shortage of pure love. Both sides of our families instantly felt that he had a strong purpose in all of our lives. He was with all of us for a reason. And he was indeed going to bless every one of us.

We spent the next twelve nights in that hospital trying to get that boy to breath on his own. Around day five we were anxious to get the results, but were pretty sure we knew the answer.  At one point I sheepishly looked at Scott and said "I think I'll be sad if the test comes back negative!” Scott admitted to feeling the same. We had gotten so used to the idea of him being "special" that we were now just excited for this new and exciting journey ahead. That day the doctor called us in to confirm that he was indeed "special". I still cried, even though I was excited. There was also lots of fear and anxiety running through me. So I cried tears of joy and tears of fear. Scott just looked happy. Thank heavens for my rock star husband. The day after he was born, Scott was ready to tackle this head on! 

We let friends and family know the sure results and then started on our research. The month following continued to be an emotional rollercoaster. Moments of warmth when I would think about getting to play Santa Claus for the rest of our lives! Or thinking of all the stories of how loving and loyal downs kids are to their mothers. I smiled when people told me the wonderful effects they have on their siblings and how compassionate those around them learn to be. What a beautiful thing. How lucky were we?

Then I had moments where I wanted to lock myself in my bedroom and cry when I heard stories of health problems and shorter life expectancies. Or when I thought about the day kids make fun of him or treat him differently. My heart broke when I would think about him wanting to date, marry or have children. Scott continues to remind me to take this all one day at a time. I'm a woman... Thoughts of the far off future are impossible to just shelf, but he's right and I do try to focus on the now. 

We've already had one scary hospital stay, and I'm sure it wont be the last. These guys come with a little more health risks than the rest of us. We know this may not be the easiest situation, but we are feeling truly blessed. We are so up for the challenges ahead! These first couple months with him have already changed our little family for the better. He has brought a little piece of heaven down to our home and we are extremely grateful.

I want to say thank you from the bottom of our hearts to so many. To all those who kept my spirits high in the hospital with your visits, gifts, flowers and treats. It made such a difference when I saw your happy faces! Thank you to those who brought meals and asked what else you could do to help. To those who sent gifts from a far that brightened my day! Thank you to my parents who came out for an entire month to take care of Scarlett, give me back rubs and pep talks, run hot baths and make sure I was remembering to eat and take care of myself between the chaos of staying at the hospital and coming home to be with Scar. Thank you to my mother-in-law who came after my parents left and helped with Scarlett, made sure I was taken care of while Scott was gone and had some fun girl time with me. And also my father in law for helping take Scarlett over night while we were back up at the hospital. Thank you to my dear friends and sisters who got me the most beautiful basinet to bring him home to. Thank you to the friends who came and cleaned my house! And thank you to my wonderful sisters who step in to be Scarlett's other mothers when we've had to be at the hospital or just whenever I've needed it! I don't know what I would do without sisters and sisters-in-law. Thank you to those of you that have been on call when we've had to dash out for medical reasons with Welles, occasionally at very inconvenient hours ;). I could write enough "Thank you" cards to fill my entire house. We are so blessed to have so many amazing family and friends around. Forgive me if I haven't thanked you in person yet. We love you!

My lover boy. Just before they took him to the NICU.

Heart Echo. Thank heavens for his healthy little heart!

Testing out the name Wally. It took us about six days to decide on a name!

Their first meeting. 

Papa Rock on the night he was born. 

Daddy and his boy.

He always has a slight smile. 

Scott and I stayed at the hospital all twelve nights. We would come home every evening to spend time with Scarlett and put her to bed. This was right when we got home one night. We were always so excited to get to her and smother that girl with kisses. 

Under the lights lookin like one cool dude!

His monitors.

Kids aren't typically allowed in the NICU. We had to get permission to arrange a special meeting in a private room for these kids to get to know each other. This second time meeting was a little better than the first.

That perfect little face!

Mama and her boy.

Scarlett came to visit us at the hospital.

Nonna and Papa came as often as they could to love on this guy.

Just got the thumbs up to take him home!

Ready to roll!

Our first time at home as a family of four.

First nap at home.

Scarlett is going to be the perfect big sister to a boy with special needs. She already loves him unconditionally. Never jealous and always wants to be involved and helpful. Being the loud a spunky thing she is, I know she will a great protector for him. I can't even begin to tell you the love I have for these babies. We feel so blessed.